NOTE: This research has not yet been reviewed by our editors. Please excuse any typographical or factual errors that may be present.

For corrections, contact the Errors & Omissions Department at HAINSWORTH.COM. Thank you.

Prior to becoming the Internet powerhouse it is today, HAINSWORTH.COM had humble roots.
A Brief History of HAINSWORTH.COM by family historian R.L. Burdett
12 year old child prodigy Olivia Hainsworth plays an original 1904 upright that bares her family name
The Hainsworth Piano Company, 1904

At the turn of the last century, John Henry Hainsworth, fresh off a boat from Manchester, began a small but profitable piano company. Using skills first taught to him in the old country, he and his three sons began creating pianos of astounding quality, taking the country by storm, and playing a nascent role in the coming Jazz age.

Many claim Al Jolson’s earliest recording were all accompanied by the strident keys of an original Hainsworth.

The Internet Bust, 1934

What happened next is a point of significant speculation in the business world. Although official business documents from the 30s are now a rare find, there are still some clues that tell us about the subsequent years. Norman Mailer’s well researched, but critically drubbed biography, “Hainsworth Its Weight In Gold”, recounts the company’s shift to the Internet. However, those looking for clues were given a gift in the fall of 2003. It occurred at a building demolition site at Queen St. and Carlaw Ave. The remains of an early ad from HAINSWORTH.COM showed how serious the venture had become. Using state of the art fibre and paint dating technology, historians place the date of the ad in or around 1934. They also point to the fact that the ad itself had the date 1934 in it. (it has since been removed due to high lead levels)

1934 Recently Uncovered Advertisement
The 1950s and Television

The Fifties brought “The HAINSWORTH.COM Variety Hour”. Originally hosted by Steve Allen, its glory days hit in the late 50s when permanent host James “Jimmy Boy” Lerner brought his own brand of wit and personality to the broadcast. Eclectic guests included Groucho Marx, The North Korean Military Acrobatic Squad, and occasional cameo appearances by U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower, whose 1956 appearance became the stuff of pop culture legend when he uttered the now famous catch phrase, “Just nuke me, Jimmy Boy!” The show finished its successful run in 1959, when it was replaced on Saturday evenings by “Gunsmoke.”

The Cold War, 1957

Recently declassified files reveal HAINSWORTH.COM was extensively involved in espionage for the allies during the Cold War. In 1957, president Edwin Hainsworth was approached by REDACTED to look into REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. Not long after, REDACTED REDACTED became involved. Clearly, the government of REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. Although not present at the REDACTED REDACTED they were very aware of the use of REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED.
He never recovered.

The Panels That Started It All, 1961

Andy Warhol was so enthralled with HAINSWORTH.COM that he insisted on doing a series of paintings that became the template for his now classic pop art style. In 1961, Campbell’s Soup president Michael Jenkins went to a party/showing at Warhol’s Chelsea loft, which featured a 20 foot, three canvas work, “ #12″ Jenkins was reportedly so taken by the piece, he immediately commissioned Warhol to work on a re-branding campaign for Campbell’s. Unfortunately he also got so drunk, he tripped over Warhol’s feet and landed face-first in the artist’s lap. “I said I’d do it, Mike, but I appreciate the extra effort to convince me.”

The Silver Screen

The 1980s saw films with a HAINSWORTH.COM theme were becoming a genre unto themselves. In 1980 alone, “Ordinary Hainsworth”, and “The Hainsworth Syndrome” were released to critical acclaim and a raft of Oscar nominations. The high water mark however, was the eponymous blockbuster, “HAINSWORTH.COM”, released in November of 1984. It dominated the Christmas movie season, besting the other hit of the season, Beverly Hills Cop by raking in a then unheard of 12 million dollars in its opening weekend.

The name is Worth, Hainsworth

President Ronald Reagan called on HAINSWORTH.COM’s cold war espionage experienceto help undermine the communists in East Germany. East German Chancellor E. Honecker wrote in 1986: "Insidious and constant attacks of a non military nature by such questionable and easily duped entities such as, and this new company, Haliburton, will not go unanswered."

The Decline of an Empire

The last decade of the millennium was not good to HAINSWORTH.COM. Years of excess came to an abrupt end, and the company entered a period of steep decline and extensive soul searching. The reasons for the fall were numerous, but largely involved interim president Steve Hainsworth Jr. making unwise and heavy investments in an enterprise known as “phone ouija.” This proved costly.

Dotcom Boom, Bust & Dust

The height of the dot com boom however brought HAINSWORTH.COM to a new wave of popularity. With high profile internet site sprouting from all corners of the world, people finally began to understand what this whole “interweb” thing was about. When the bubble burst a year later, the company, having a long history of riding out tough times, hunkered down and waited.

No one at the company has said publicly what is being produced at the plant, however there is a building sense of anticipation for the upcoming Hainsworld Expo in San Francisco, where C.E.O. Michael Hainsworth will deliver his annual keynote address.